Yes, I am new to the blogging world. All of my family blogs and I think that it is my turn. With all the crap going on in my life, I thought that it would be best to do what I always do; write. I am still in high school in my very last year, and I still have no clue what to do with my life. I love photography and I love writing, so I was thinking photo journalism. But that is not enough to get by. I love acting and theater too, but I just don't know. It is such a hard decision, and I'm starting to panic. Maybe a double major, English and theater? English and photography? English and history? Maybe I'll join Broadway. But then what if I want to settle down? Work at a restaurant for the rest of my life? Not saying that I don't love my job, because I love serving. But am I really going to do that all my life? Probably not. Jeez, life is hard.
And never mind all this business about after high school, I still have to get through grade 12. I'm balancing all of my courses, the musical, one acts, two jobs, and friends. Oh boy oh boy, looks like I have no time for myself. In fact, I don't think I ever give myself some 'me time.' Because when I'm not at school, or directing musicals or plays, or working, or with friends, I'm dealing with everything at home. My dad walked out on my family a few months ago, and its still hard for me to think about. Now its just my mom and my three younger sisters, all living in a small little townhouse. Its hard for my mom, they were married for 16 years. As for me... I really don't know what to think. Me and my dad never really got along, our relationship was either in the pooper or simmering on the back burner. I didn't know what to do with him and I don't think he knew how to deal with me. I was never afraid for standing up for myself and speaking my mind, maybe that is when the fights started. My mom would defend me, which made him mad at her. He would stop yelling at me, but then turn around and start yelling at my mom. I would always run down into my room, bawling like a baby. And without a fail my dad would stomp after me and blame everything on me. Now I know that anyone who is reading this, if anyone ever does, is thinking that I'm over exaggerating. Well yes I did when I was younger, but I am an older girl now. I'm not kidding. I grew up thinking that my parents fights were my fault, because that is what my dad shoved into my mind. It made me feel guilty for everyone's problems, when my friends were upset I would take it upon myself to fix the problem. I know now that its not like that... but I still can't help but feeling that pang of guilt whenever there is a fight.
Now, to a non-lethal topic, I shall talk about what I enjoy. Or make a list. In fact a list seems a lot easier.
I love to read, its my main passion.
I am a video game addict, in fact I play more than most of my guy friends.
I like to cook, but I enjoy eating more.
Writing is a passion of mine, I do it whenever I can.
Acting. Not just in school on a stage, but with friends and family.
Music. I love to listen to it and sing it. The shower head is my best audience.
I love to help others. There is so much satisfaction in helping those you love.
Photography. I don't go anywhere without my camera. My Canon Powershot S90 is my baby.
I adore animals. Looking at them, holding them, petting them, training them. Anything.
Spitz seeds. Those things are my vice. I eat so many bags I'm pretty sure my blood has little bits of sunflower seeds in them.
I can't think of anything at the moment, but that might also be because its 2 in the morning. I started this post earlier and then went out for dinner, shopping, and then a movie with my mom. When we got back I went straight to my computer to finish this post. So I shall end it now before I face plant into my keyboard :)
Oh Honey, this is all so tough, isn't it? I wish that we lived closer so I could pop by and give you a hug! You are growing into such an amazing and beautiful young woman. This whole situation is a lot to process and it's okay to be confused and upset and hurt and even happy if that it what you are feeling "in a moment".
ReplyDeleteThings always seem so much more intense when we are "in the moment" and time really does help to take the pressure off of some of these situations and things that you are having to deal with and process through.
Just remember that all of you, from your mom to your dad to all of you girls are dealing with and processing through these tough situations in your own ways. Each one of you is unique and you all process differently. I'm not saying that any of you are right or wrong, but just that all of you are hurting and healing and you will get through this.
Typically when we are hurting, we end up hurting those that we love the most. If you can remember to forgive and show love in every situation then you will get through this okay....better than okay.
It's okay to be confused. All your feelings are valid, just keep talking with your Momma about how you are feeling. You don't have to take care of her....she wants to care for you. That's what we Momma's do, even if it seems like we are tired, we still want to be there for our babies - no matter what!
Openness and communication are HUGE life skills. Practice with safe people and soon it will just be apart of who you are.
I love you, sweetheart. You will get through this. I totally believe in you!